A Court of Thorns and Sexual Shame: Using IFS Therapy to Heal Sexual Shame

Lately on tiktok I've seen lots of videos about A Court of Thorns and Roses (ACOTAR) and how good it is. I've also seen lots of videos shaming people for liking it because "it's smut." I personally believe that people should follow their own moral codes when it comes to human sexuality, however, as long as you're following your own code you should not feel shame. Unfortunately, many people living completely within their value system still feel shame.

Sexuality is one of the most intimate and vulnerable parts of the human experience. It can bring great joy, connection, and meaning—but for many people, it also carries deep wells of shame, confusion, and emotional pain. Sexual shame often emerges not simply from one’s experiences in adulthood, but from the unresolved wounds of emotional and sexual trauma earlier in life. These wounds can shape how we see ourselves, our worth, and our bodies.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful and compassionate approach to healing sexual shame. By helping clients reconnect with their inner world, understand their internal protective systems, and bring healing to the most vulnerable parts of themselves, IFS opens the door to sexual wholeness and freedom.

In this article, we’ll explore how IFS therapy can help people unburden shame related to sexuality, particularly when that shame is rooted in emotional or sexual trauma.

Understanding Sexual Shame

Shame is a deeply painful emotion that convinces us we are bad, broken, or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which focuses on a specific behavior (“I did something wrong”), shame targets the self (“I am wrong”). When it comes to sexuality, shame can manifest as feeling dirty, unlovable, or fundamentally flawed.

Many people who carry sexual shame were never explicitly told that sex or desire was wrong. Instead, they may have absorbed subtle or overt messages through trauma:

• Being shamed or punished for showing curiosity about their bodies

• Growing up in an environment where sexuality was taboo, ignored, or only spoken of negatively

• Experiencing sexual abuse, assault, or exploitation

• Having emotional needs ignored or invalidated during developmental years

Trauma teaches us how to survive, and sometimes survival means internalizing toxic messages to maintain a sense of safety or connection. A child who is repeatedly violated or shamed may come to believe, "This happened because I'm bad" or "My body is dangerous." These beliefs then follow them into adulthood, often hidden but incredibly powerful.

The IFS Framework: Meeting Your Internal Sexual System

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It views the mind as made up of multiple Parts, each with its own feelings, thoughts, and goals. These Parts are not pathological—they're adaptive responses to life experiences. At the core of every person is the Self, a calm, compassionate, and curious presence capable of healing the system.

IFS helps people get to know their internal Parts, especially those that were formed to help them survive trauma. When it comes to sexual shame, these Parts often organize into a system that includes:

• Protectors who control, criticize, or distract to avoid painful feelings

• Exiles who hold the original wounds of trauma, including shame, fear, or grief

By getting to know these Parts and bringing Self-energy into the internal system, clients can begin to heal the roots of shame.

Common Parts in Sexual Shame

Clients dealing with sexual shame often encounter familiar internal patterns. Here are a few common types of Parts that tend to show up:

Inner Critics

These Parts often carry internalized messages from caregivers, religious institutions, or abusers. They may say things like:

• “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

• “You're disgusting.”

• “You can never let anyone see this side of you.”

Though they sound harsh, these Critics are usually trying to keep the person safe—perhaps from judgment, rejection, or more trauma. IFS invites us to relate to these Parts with curiosity instead of resistance.

Avoidant Parts

To protect against shame and vulnerability, some Parts may suppress all sexual desire or disconnect from the body entirely. These Parts might show up as numbness, disinterest, or even physical shutdown during intimacy. In reality, they’re trying to protect more vulnerable Parts from being retraumatized.

Firefighter Parts

These Parts step in when emotional pain or shame feels unbearable. They might engage in compulsive sexual behaviors, dissociation, fantasy, or even substance use to escape discomfort. Again, these actions make sense when viewed through a trauma-informed lens. The goal in IFS is never to eliminate these behaviors but to understand their purpose and offer alternatives through healing.

Self-Leadership: How IFS Heals Sexual Shame

The healing journey begins when clients start to lead their internal systems with Self-energy—the qualities of compassion, curiosity, calm, and courage. In IFS, we don’t force Parts to change. Instead, we build trust. We listen.

Here's how the process unfolds:

1. Witnessing and Befriending

Rather than pushing shame away, clients are invited to turn toward it with curiosity. A therapist might say, “Can you notice where you feel that shame in your body?” or “Can you get to know the part of you that feels ashamed?”

This is often the first time clients have met their shame with gentleness rather than judgment. As trust builds, the Protectors begin to relax, allowing access to the Exiles underneath.

2. Unburdening

Once the Exile has been witnessed and its pain validated, it can release the toxic beliefs it carries (“I am bad” becomes “I was hurt”). This process is often emotional, and clients may experience a profound sense of relief, lightness, or clarity afterward.

3. Integration

After unburdening, the system reorganizes. Parts take on new roles. Clients often report feeling more freedom, playfulness, and confidence in their sexuality. They begin to experience desire and intimacy without the weight of shame.

Embodiment in the Healing Process

Shame is not just a thought or belief—it’s deeply rooted in the body. Many clients carry sexual shame in places like the pelvis, stomach, or throat. These areas may feel tight, numb, heavy, or completely disconnected.

IFS invites a slow, respectful return to the body. One way to begin is with a simple somatic trailhead:

• Recall a recent moment of mild shame (not a 10/10).

• Tune into the body: Where do you feel that?

• Be with the sensation without trying to fix or change it.

• Ask, “What does this part want me to know?”

This body-first approach is especially important for survivors of sexual trauma, who may have learned to disconnect from their physical sensations as a way to survive. In IFS, returning to the body is not forced—it happens gently, with full consent from all Parts.

Why Sexual Trauma Leads to Shame

Sexual trauma is uniquely devastating because it wounds both the body and the sense of self. Survivors often feel not only violated but also contaminated, worthless, or permanently broken. Emotional trauma compounds this by undermining the basic belief that one is lovable, safe, or deserving.

IFS therapy acknowledges that these beliefs aren’t irrational—they were adaptive. They helped the child make sense of a world that didn’t make sense. But as adults, these beliefs become burdens. They isolate. They silence. They keep people from experiencing the full depth of connection and pleasure that is their birthright.

By healing the Parts that carry these burdens, IFS helps people reclaim their worth, their voice, and their capacity for joyful, embodied sexuality.

Real Outcomes from IFS Work

Clients who engage in IFS therapy to work through sexual shame often report significant changes, including:

• Increased self-compassion and body acceptance

• Reduced compulsive or avoidant sexual behaviors

• More authentic and fulfilling sexual experiences

• Greater ability to communicate sexual needs and boundaries

• Decreased fear of judgment or rejection

• A sense of wholeness and integration in their identity

While the process can be slow and nonlinear, it is deeply transformative. Sexual shame is not a life sentence. With the right support, it is absolutely possible to heal.

Final Thoughts: Everyone Deserves Sexual Healing

If you carry sexual shame, you are not alone. Whether your shame stems from overt trauma or more subtle emotional wounds, there is a path to healing. You do not have to disconnect from your body, silence your desires, or live under the weight of internalized shame.

Internal Family Systems therapy offers a way back to yourself—to the curious, courageous, and compassionate Self that has always been there, waiting to lead. Through this work, your sexual system can become a source of vitality, play, and connection rather than fear or pain.

If you’re ready to explore your inner world with gentleness and support, IFS therapy may be the right next step for you.

Interested in starting your healing journey? I offer a free consultation where we can explore how IFS therapy might help you heal from sexual shame and reconnect with your truest self.